


Train of Consequences

by Adrastiana



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Gen, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Public Transportation, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 12:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16597739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adrastiana/pseuds/Adrastiana
Summary: Tseng's car won't start. So he has to ride the train home. Now he must weather the storm through six migraine inducing stops full of rude people, poorly behaved kids, rowdy teenagers, drunken vagrants and women of ill repute. Can he make it to the Excedrin in his medicine cabinet before his head explodes?





	Train of Consequences

**Author's Note:**

> Yes the title is from a Megadeth song. Please don't sue me Megadave. I love your music.<3
> 
> This fic hails from 2009 and was inspired by my many experiences and observations on public transportation. I could have added even more but Tseng would have been stuck riding around Midgar six times over if I had.

Tseng was having a very bad evening. He was dead tired and his car wouldn't start. He tried to get a cab but had no luck in hailing one and was too exhausted to continue trying. So he had no choice but to take the train home.  


He hated taking public transportation and generally avoided it at all costs. The trains were usually dirty and full of filthy vagrants from the slums. It was so loud and crowded at rush hour that you couldn't get a moment's peace. The last time Tseng had rode the train he was forced to sit next to a man blasting a radio right into his ear. The conductor didn't even come out to do anything about it despite signs in every car clearly stating that no loud radios were permitted. In fact, the conductors never did anything unless there was a security check. If he were in charge of the Midgar public transportation system he'd make sure they were on the ball 24/7 or they'd be promptly fired.  


Tseng had the luck of catching a train as soon as he arrived at the station. He quickly paid his fair at the window, which was three gil for a one way ticket and five gil round trip. Of course you saved a fair amount if you purchased a daily, weekly or monthly pass. But Tseng still felt that the price was a little unreasonable given what he considered to be sub-par service.  


He boarded the train and sat down in the cleanest seat that he could find. He was wearing a freshly pressed and dry cleaned suit that was fairly new and he didn't want to chance it getting stained. After all, vagrants and perverts did all kinds of things on these trains. Some people actually lived on these trains. Sneaking aboard to get some sleep at any hour they chose. In any case, he had to endure whatever madness awaited him for a total of six stops.  


The train was still rather empty and Tseng was able to enjoy a few moments of peace. That is until the next stop came.  


That's when a huge crowd of workers from one of the reactors boarded. And they were loud. So very loud. All of them talking at once about their wives, their supervisors and how what they had for lunch was still giving them heartburn. Luckily most of them got off on the next stop, preventing Tseng from developing too bad of a migraine. Only five more stops to go...  


But not before the train filled up yet again with more passengers. Most of them were not workers from the reactor. For the most part it was a motley gaggle of random people. Within seconds there was barely standing room on the train. 

"Excuse me!" A very large woman wearing an obscene amount of perfume and carrying a large bakery box said as she sat down next to Tseng, crushing his body against the wall separating the seat from the doors.  


"I said excuse me!" She repeated, apparently dissatisfied with the amount of room she had after forcing Tseng so far into the wall that he felt he and his suit might be permanently damaged.  


"I am excusing you, miss," Tseng replied through clenched teeth. "It's just that there isn't any more room.  


"Are you implying that I'm fat?!" The woman cried, offended.  


"I never said you were fat, miss. I simply said there was no more room for me to make for you."  


"You are a very rude man!" The fat woman huffed. "And you are denting my cheesecake with your arm!"  


Tseng had had enough. He was trying to be as polite as possible. But one could only take so much abuse from obese women wearing five gallons of perfume. Something had to give. And it wasn't going to be his spinal column.  


"I'm not being rude, miss. I'm trying very hard to accommodate you. It's not my fault you are too fat to sit down in a normal sized train seat. Maybe you should ask the transport authority to build bigger seats to accommodate your ridiculously large ass! And the last thing you need is cheesecake you fat bitch!"  


"Well I never!" The fat woman cried as she got up, clutching her slightly dented cake box. "You are lucky this is my stop coming up. Otherwise I would report you for harassment!"  


And with that she left the train in a huff.  


"My entire left side is asleep...," Tseng mumbled, rubbing his arm and trying to get the feeling back into it. Only four more stops to go...  


The train filled up once more. This time a little girl of about eight sat down next to Tseng. She was wearing a blue and white striped beanie whose shape vaguely resembled cat ears, khaki shorts and a blue t-shirt with Marty the Moogle (Midgar's number one children's program) printed on it. Tseng was appalled that a parent would allow such a small child to ride the train by herself at night.  


_"Where on earth is this girl's mother?"_ he thought. _"If I had a child this age I wouldn't let her out of my sight for one second while traveling in this city."_  


But Tseng's sympathy for this particular child was short lived. She soon began to violently kick the metal board below the seat while loudly singing the Marty the Moogle theme song.  


Tseng tried to ignore her. But she continued to sing the song over and over again. His migraine was getting worse by the second. Finally he had enough. He didn't want to cause a scene with a child. So he spoke very politely, his voice sugar coated for good measure. "Could you please quiet down a bit, little girl."  


"Shut up you frickin' geezer!" The little girl yelled. "Your name ain't on this train! And you ain't my dad! You can't tell me what to do!"  


And with that she resumed her kicking and singing even louder than before.  


_"This must be what Reno was like as a child,"_ Tseng thought tiredly, rubbing his temples. Then he spoke aloud. "Where on earth is your mother? Does she know that you talk to your elders like that?"  


"My mom's with your dad! All night long!" The little girl laughed, adding. "A'course she knows! Where do 'ya think I learned it from?"  


"You little brat!" Tseng yelled. "If you were my child I'd-"  


"You'd what, Dotty McDot Head?" She snapped back, sticking out her tongue and poking the dot on Tseng's forehead hard enough to severely affect his already major migraine. Tseng winced in pain as the little girl made another poke for good measure before hopping merrily off the train as it came to a stop and opened it's doors.  


"I'm never having children...," Tseng grumbled, wishing that he had some Excedrin on him. Only three more stops to go...  


More passengers filled the train, although it wasn't as crowded as before so luckily no one sat next to Tseng, who breathed a sign of relief. But it wouldn't last long.  


A drunk who had sat opposite to Tseng started pointing at him and mumbling nonsense. Tseng of course, tried to ignore him. However, the drunken man continued to irritate him.  


"You...," the drunk began. "Yur tha man... Yur tha man tha's been doin' my wife!"  


Tseng said nothing, hoping if he ignored this hobo he'd leave him alone. Sadly that was not the case.  


"This here, ladeez an' gennelmen," the drunk started to yell, waving his arms around as if pointing to everyone in the entire car. "This here iz tha man... My wife she run off with this man! She leff me fur a... whaddayacallum... metrosezzul!"  


Tseng sank down in his seat. People were now actually staring at him. It was embarrassing. He had no idea what this drunken vagrant was talking about. Luckily no one he knew was on this train.  


"See here you.... Metrosezzul... You kent have my wife without a fight!" The drunk then began waving his fists around. Tseng got a little frightened. What if this hobo lunged at him and ruined his clean suit? He didn't want to smell like urine, vomit and booze.  


"Sir," Tseng began. "I have no idea what you are talking about.  


But the drunk simply ignored him and continued. "This here metrosezzul... He's got long gurly hair. Even prettier than my wife's. He stole my wife... I'm gonna bust him up good."  


People were laughing. Tseng was beginning to turn bright red. Why did this stupid drunk have to pick on him? Couldn't he bother someone else tonight?  


"He's been bangin' my wife," The drunk slurred. "With his long gurly hair touchin' on her boobies! I'm gonna get him! You all watch me, ok? I'm gonna bust up this here pretty metrosezzul's face til he ain't pretty no more!"  


Tseng readied him self. Prepared to go into Turk mode if necessary, even though he was off duty for the night. But as soon as the drunk began to lunge he passed out across his seat. Tseng breathed a sigh of relief as the train came to a halt and opened it's doors. Hopefully the drunk would remain unconscious for the rest of the ride. Only two more stops to go...  


A large crowd of people coming home from a concert boarded the train and once again it was very noisy inside the car. A teenage girl wearing cheap perfume and equally cheap plastic jewelry sat down next to him. She was chatting very loudly on her PHS about her boyfriend and her best friend and the concert. In fact, she seemed to be chatting about everything under the sun.  


"Oh my gawd!" She gasped in a high pitched voice that could break glass. "Did you see Chet at the concert? He's like... Totally grounded! Oh my gawd! He like totally snuck out of the house! Ashley says she's telling his parents because he totally stood her up last week!"  


_"Totally."_ Tseng thought sarcastically. He hated annoying teenage girls. And he was about to hate them even more.  


"Oh my gawd Debbie! Guess what?" The girl yelled into her phone. "You won't believe it! No... Guess again! No way! Not even! Keep guessing!"  


_"The suspense is killing me...,"_ Tseng thought, rubbing his temples again.  


"You give up, Debbie? Ok! There's this totally hot guy with long black hair sitting right next to me! Yeah! He's in a suit. I bet he's rich! Oh my gawd I think he's checking me out!"  


Tseng swallowed hard. The last thing he needed was some annoying underage girl falsely thinking that he'd be even remotely interested in her. Plus he didn't want to get a reputation like that. Not even with strangers. He'd get off at the next stop and just wait for another train. He needed some air anyway. Even if it was just underground train station air.  


"Oh my gawd! He's soooo cute!" The girl continued to yell into her PHS.  


Tseng wondered why she didn't realise that he could obviously hear her. After all he was sitting right next to her.  


Suddenly a very large teenage boy leaned down and stared at Tseng as if he were about to rip him in two. "Who the hell is this guy, Rachel? You cheatin' on me with some desk jockey in an expensive suit?  


"Oh my gawd! Brad!" The teenage girl squealed, adding a quick "Oh my gawd, Debbie, I'll totally call you back later!"  


"Alright, Dilbert," Brad commanded. "I dunno who you are but if you think yer gonna rob the cradle with my old lady-"  


Tseng shook his head. "I don't even know this girl. Please just leave me alone."  


For a brief second the drunk awoke, managing to spew out a few garbled words before falling back into his booze happy dream land. "That damn... Metrosezzul... Banged my wife..."  


"Oh really?" Brad said, shaking his large fist at Tseng. "So not only did ya steal my girl but you're cheatin' on her too? I'm gonna pound ya!"  


Tseng sighed. "I didn't steal your girl. I don't want her. She's obviously underage. I want nothing to do with either of you. Now please just leave me alone. I have a terrible migraine!"  


"So now yer sayin' my Rachel ain't good enough for you?" Brad roared. "You're so going down for dissin' my girl"  


Just then Rachel leapt up and clung to brad's arm "Brad! Don't!" She cried. "Not again! Don't beat him up!"  


Tseng was mildly amused by this. These stupid kids had no idea who he was. One flash of his Turks ID card would probably send Brad running for his mommy. But it would also attract too much attention. And Tseng was too worn out to deal with that right now. He wondered if Brad would have even opened his mouth if Rude had been sitting here instead of him. That would have been something to see. Too bad Tseng's head hurt too much to imagine it very well.  


"Our stop's next, Brad!" Rachel cried. C'mon! You can walk me to my door."  


"You are so lucky man!" Brad said as the train stopped and they walked through the open doors, Rachel still clinging to Brad's arm. "You should thank my girl fer savin' your life!"  


"Thanks alot...," Tseng mumbled tiredly, searching his pockets for anything that would stop this terrible migraine. As he expected he had nothing. Only one more stop to go...  


As passengers boarded the train Tseng began to relax. Someone sat next to him but he only looked out of the corner of his eye. It seemed to be a blonde woman in a gold top and miniskirt and a pair of white go-go boots. Tseng figured that it was probably a prostitute, or at the very least a stripper from a cheap bar. He just kept quiet, hoping that she didn't have lice or anything like that.  


Everything was going fine until the train suddenly stopped in the middle of the tunnel. People sighed and grumbled, muttering curses about being late for the night shift and such. Tseng just hoped that the drunk stayed passed out. Luckily there wasn't a peep out of him save for the occasional snore. A man pulling luggage on wheels passed through the car calling out, "CDs! DVDs!".  


The train was pleasantly quiet other than the irritated mumblings of angry passengers who thankfully kept their frustrations mostly to themselves. Tseng's head even began to clear a little. Suddenly he felt something warm on his right thigh.  


He glanced down and saw that the woman of ill repute had placed her hand on his thigh and was squeezing it. Could this night get any worse?  


"Miss," Tseng began, not wanting any more trouble if he could help it. "Kindly remove your hand from my thigh. I'm not interested."  


The reply that he got back was in a deep, manly voice that made him cringe. "Whatever you say , sugar."  


"Oh my god!" Tseng cried out, looking up at the "lady's" face as "she" winked at him.  


Tseng quickly got up from his seat and went through the door connecting the cars. The next car was crowded so badly there was hardly any room to breathe. But he didn't care. As long as he was out of that accursed car he wouldn't mind if this one spontaneously combusted.  


Luckily, within about two minutes time the train started up again. In no time Tseng reached his stop and pushed through the crowd to get to the door. He was finally free!  


Tseng exited the station and quickly walked to his apartment building. Not wanting to be in any more enclosed mechanical spaces, he walked up the eight flights to his floor instead of taking the elevator. At this point he was dead on his feet. Turning the key, he walked in and went straight for the medicine cabinet after shutting and locking the front door behind him.  


He took out the bottle of Excedrin and opened it, damning the child proof cap as he pried it off.  


"Oh god, no!" Tseng cried, the sound of his own voice making the pain in his head even worse.  


The bottle was empty.  


~Fin~  



End file.
